I'm sure you'll appreciate that it's hugely difficult to describe the path my entire
life has taken without going into far too much detail.
Hopefully what I've written here (which I've distilled from lots of musings I've written down
since I started my journey) will give you an idea of how I came to be the person I am now.
Contents
- Beginnings
- University and Work
- Marriage and Family
- Saved!
- Acceptance and Consequences
- Asking for Help
- My Church, and their Reaction
- Divorce
- Starting Treatment
- Work
- Surgery
- The Future
- Finally...
 I was born Andrew John
Metcalfe on 24th September 1966, in a town called Bishop Auckland in County Durham (North East England).
I became aware that I was different when I was around 7 or 8. I remember looking at myself in a
mirror and being upset at what I saw - I knew I should have been born a girl. I wasn't a sociable child,
and had few friends. I coped by throwing myself into my schoolwork - a habit I only managed to break
when I accepted I was transsexual in 2001.
My teenage years were a complete mess. Like many suffering with gender dysphoria, I experimented
with cross-dressing (which not surprisingly was mixed up with evolving - and confused - sexual feelings).
Eventually I learnt what a "transvestite" was and felt deeply afraid and ashamed - so much
so that I pretty much invented my whole visible personality to disguise my feelings and protect myself.
In the late 1970's at the age or 12 or 13 I became aware that I wasn't alone in my feelings - and
that treatment was available - when I saw a BBC documentary called "George to Julia", which
described the gender reassignment treatment a transsexual woman named Julia Grant was undergoing. What
I saw in that documentary absolutely terrified me - in particular the truly appalling way she
was treated by her psychiatrist at Charing Cross Hospital (a sadistic man called Randall, who's thankfully
no longer able to inflict such misery on others).
A few years later the appalling way that Caroline Cossey (Tula) was hounded by the tabloid
press when it was revealed that she was transsexual confirmed just how bigoted and unaccepting society
was at the time. With hindsight, it's obvious to me now that in that climate of ignorance there was
no way I could have talked to anyone about my feelings. Maybe that's for the best, as I suspect that
had I tried to obtain help then I wouldn't have survived - at the time being TS was something you had
to hide very well (even once treatment was completed) and that's not something I feel I could
have done. I now also know that the surgery available to transwomen then was primitive - had I undertaken
it the results would have been crude and insensitive at best.
As time passed, fantasies and daydreams became my way of coping without acknowledging my feelings
(or cross-dressing for that matter - that became taboo to me). Of course, in my fantasies I was always
female - I often wondered what it would be like just to be one of the girls I knew.
By the time I left school and went to Surrey University in 1985, I'd managed to bury my feelings
so deeply that I was only dimly aware of them (I certainly wouldn't accept them). I tried to be "normal"
- and to an extent I suppose I succeeded. I discovered I loved live music, and became quite
involved with music societies in the Student Union. I tried to be a social person, but it was never
natural to me, and it showed. I had lots of aquaintences, but so few close friends.
After leaving University in 1989 I started working in Maidenhead (Berkshire). I did all the usual
things: lots of social drinking (I was even a CAMRA beer taster for a while!), sports, paintballing
(I was a marshall for a short while), gaming, and finally in 1993 I found something that really suited
me - I joined a Living History/Battle Re-enactment group (The Hounds of the Morrigan) which provided an outlet for the more (shall we say)
flamboyant parts of my personality:
 I
met my future wife in July 1996 at Tewkesbury
Fayre (a large War of the Roses re-enactment held every year). I was there as a participant with
one of the groups I was a member of (the Woodville Household) whilst she had travelled over with an Irish group from Dublin.
I remember the love we felt for each other that weekend vividly, and when we parted on the Sunday evening
I was inconsolable. I felt like I'd found a soulmate, and to be parted from her was incredibly painful.
She eventually came to live with me, and we were married in July 1997. Our first child was born
in July 1998, and our second in July 2000. I was present when both were born and it was a truly remarkable
experience - as any parent will understand.
Being married was both wonderful and sad - wonderful because I had someone so special to share my
life with, and sad because I had to hide my deep feelings of regret at being born with a male body.
Apart from (still) being ashamed of the feelings I'd lived with all my life I was also afraid that
talking about it would hurt her so much it could destroy our relationship and family.
Looking back, I do wonder if it was becoming a parent that started to bring my feelings to the surface
again. I certainly wasn't a typical father - my maternal instincts felt far too strong to conform to
that role.
As time went on the feelings of sadness and regret grew gradually stronger. Despite this, I still
wouldn't acknowledge them (it didn't even occur to me that I might be transsexual, and I certainly
had no intention of changing myself physically), and looking back I think that I started to grow more
withdrawn as a result. That certainly wasn't a good thing.
In Spring 2001 I attended an Alpha Course (basically an introduction to Christianity) at Buckskin Evangelical Church. For about a year beforehand I'd known that Faith
was developing within me, but I waited until I felt I was ready before telling anyone. I started attending
Church (with my wife) early in the year, and when I found out about the Alpha Course I knew it was
something I should do.
To cut a long story short I was Saved one Thursday evening in April 2001. I was a little hesitant
so I needed a bit of prompting at first, but once I finally opened and asked Jesus to accept me as
a Christian the feeling of God's Love was unmistakable. I just can't describe it, except to say that
it was wonderful.
After the main part of each course there was a prayer/discussion meeting. On one particular evening
I remember one thing that struck me more than anything else…the fact that when we are Saved, the old
person is left behind and a new one born. I felt that this was a sign to discard the masks I'd worn
over the years and to be true to myself.
By that time, I accepted that I had a gender disorder of some kind, and I knew that I had to deal
with it somehow. I reasoned that I had to accept how I was and move on - without making any physical
changes (after all, I had a family to think of). I started praying for help and wisdom, and over the
next three months I gradually became truer to myself and as I felt a sense of contentment and peace
I'd never felt before. I just knew I was doing the right thing.
Eventually there was only one hurdle left - to discard the last of my many masks, and the biggest
of them all. Before I could do that, I needed to understand why I felt the way I did, and in
early July I started doing web searches and reading the experiences of others who have confronted the
same feelings. As I did so I kept seeing echoes of my own life and feelings - so often that I knew
it had to be more than coincidence. I researched more, studying medical and psychiatric literature
and learning more and more each day.
After a month of reading and researching I knew I had to know if what I suspected about myself was
true, and on 4th August 2001 I bit the bullet and took no fewer than three online gender tests. They
all said the same thing - I had a condition called "Gender Dysphoria". One of the tests was
more forthright than the other two and diagnosed me as a "probable
last-onset Transsexual", and that my condition was "potentially serious and indicative
of a probable inborn gender conflict", and that I should at the very least seek counselling
- or even experiment with living full-time as a woman.
Despite the tests confirming what I already suspected, the results still came as a huge shock.
Although I felt vindicated and relieved at knowing why I felt the way I did, I didn't fully appreciate
the impact of what I'd accepted, and I certainly wasn't prepared for the feelings that acceptance unleashed.
Over the next few weeks, I rode an emotional roller-coaster - euphoria, followed by intense depression
(and on really bad days, complete despair) - again and again, repeating constantly. The fact that I
had no-one to confide in didn't help.
That all started to change on 28th August 2001. That evening I was in a Christian chatroom called
Adams Rib, and ended up talking to a girl who was in some distress. She kept calling herself a "freak",
and I felt genuinely sorry for her and wanted to try to help. Eventually, she confessed to me that
the reason that she was upset was that she had a condition called Gender Dysphoria, was in the process
of transition from a male to female role, and had been suffering hostility from people she'd trusted
as friends. I was stunned - I'd met someone who suffered - and understood - the same pain that I felt.
That contact moved me a step further towards healing myself in that I finally accepted who I was
(although I still couldn't talk about it to anyone else). She introduced me to a Christian MSN Community
called "God's Rainbow World", and with their support I started to
make some sense out of the mess I was in.
A little later I joined another community - TS Chat - in which I met some wonderful friends - including Janey and Jo who I
visited on my holiday in August 2002.
By the start of September I realised I couldn't deal with this by keeping quiet, and confided what
I was feeling to three close friends - Robbie (who I call my adopted mum...we met while we were both
hosting in a Christian chatroom some months earlier), Bev and Lisa. All of them were very accepting
and sympathetic, and looking back at my diary for those few days I was full of optimism.
To get some professional help, I made an appointment to see my doctor on 14th September. I was scared
stiff, but needn't have worried - she was amazingly understanding, and arranged for me to be referred
to an NHS psychiatrist (who I saw on 21st November). I was so moved after that appointment that I wrote
her a thank you letter!
I told my wife how I felt on 28th September. It wasn't planned, but in retrospect the time was about
as right as it could ever have been - the emotional mess I was in was all too apparent to everybody
around me. Not surprisingly this news wasn't welcome, and our relationship was very strained afterwards,
although she did try to understand.
As time moved on I became more and more aware that my feelings weren't going to go away - even with
counselling and support. I knew that I had a horrible choice to make - I could either become myself
(most likely losing my family in the process) or suppress my identity again for the sake of my family.
The fact that I doubted I could bury my feelings again even if I tried just made it worse.
By early December I'd accepted that I had no choice but to transition. Tragically, that Christmas
was to be the last one we would spent together as a family.
I told two people from my Church (a Christian Counsellor and one of the Elders) what I was going
through in December 2001. By February there were a significant number of people aware of the situation
- most of whom I considered to be friends and still care for deeply.
Although they didn't understand at first (especially the guys!), they were very sympathetic, and
did what they could to help. They referred me for Christian counseling - which was (I'm sad to say)
a complete disaster from the start. Although the counselors I saw (who were from the local Community
Church) were understanding, virtually the first thing they said to me was that they believed this was
a psychiatric condition, and therefore could be cured - a position which is completely at odds with
all current medical and psychiatric understanding and research. That session was doomed from the start,
and we effectively agreed to disagree. Maybe they learn something from me - I certainly hope so.
On Thursday 20th March 2002 I was summoned to a meeting with the Elders of the Church. Normally
when I went to the Church I could feel such a feeling of pure love there, but this felt like
a boardroom meeting - perhaps because in my heart I knew the outcome already. After I'd explained about
how I'd come to where I was (basically summarising my life story, how I felt - everything), I was told
that the Elders had researched the issues involved and prayed about the situation, and they now believed
that for me to change my body would be against God's Will. They asked me to stop any preparations I
was making for Transition, and told me that if I went ahead "There will be consequences".
I told them that I wouldn't make a promise that I couldn't keep, and from then on, I knew it was only
a matter of time before I was asked to leave.
In all honesty it felt as if they'd decided on the outcome they wanted, and then gone hunting in
the Bible for passages to back it up...certainly, to me the scripture they quoted seemed worse than
tenuous in this context. Needless to say, I don't agree with their logic or their interpretation of
God's Will, and I certainly don't believe that God wants us to live in misery unnecessarily
or judges us based on what changes we make to our bodies to become true to ourselves - that just doesn't
fit with Jesus' message to us as God's children. Transsexualism and Intersex
conditions are recognised as birth defects and if not treated they can kill -
a tragedy which happened to a friend of mine in September 2003. Rest in peace Debbie  .
Even if that doesn't happen, these conditions lead the sufferer to live a lie - to build walls around
their true self and act out a life that isn't their true path. Having experienced that for many years,
believe me it doesn't lead one to be a particularly good person, no matter how true one's heart really
is.
To say I was hurt and upset by what the Elders had said to me is a severe understatement. I just
couldn't believe they were doing this to me as over the previous four months there had been absolutely
no hint of this outcome aside from the abortive counseling session. I felt as if I'd been let down
badly, and (despite all assurances to the contrary) that they were judging me. To me it felt as if
the Church as an organisation (as opposed to a fellowship) had decided that my presence would
be too difficult to deal with, and wanted the problem to go away. After that meeting I l left in tears
and didn't return for three weeks - and only then because a friend in the Church persuaded me that
I was still welcome.
A month after I'd started hormone therapy I was summoned to another meeting on Monday 1st July 2002.
It felt like I was in the dock at a Court Hearing rather than in the House of God, and of course I
knew the outcome before I even arrived - they asked me to leave. At the meeting I undertook (without
being asked) not to contact anyone from the Church unless they expressed a desire to remain in contact
with me. I feel that's only fair, as the last thing I want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Having known about the meeting for several days, the previous day when I took my two children to
Church it was to say goodbye in my heart to the Church I loved. I was extremely emotional and struggling
to hold back the tears, and yet when I arrived one close friend (who sings in the wonderful music group
they have there) gave me a huge smile when she saw me arrive - a memory which still brings out
the tears when I think of it. Being married to one of the Elders, she must have known what was
about to happen, and yet her love shone through. I miss her so much, as well as so many others.
Even now, looking at photographs of friends from that Church taken at my 35th birthday party makes
me cry. 
Despite what I'd been told when I was asked to leave, I knew God was with me - I could (and
still can) feel His Presence - exactly the same feeling of love and understanding I felt when I was
Saved. That's remained with me throughout my journey, and I have no doubts whatsoever that I've been
guided to do the right thing for a reason. I now believe a big part of that reason is to reach out
to others who like me have been rejected by Churches they had confided in, and of course in integral
part of that is to lead others - whether Christian or not - to understand and accept us.
In September 2002 I took a big step in that direction when I was led to a new Church - St. Thomas of Canterbury in Worting. Ironically, it's not far away from my old
Church, and is in fact rather closely affiliated with it. However, in contrast to the opinions expressed
by the Elders at Buckskin Evangelical Church, the Rector at St. Thomas told me that he felt it was
not our place to judge.
I transitioned in that Church on Sunday 22nd December 2002. Being Christmas the Church was of course
extremely busy - and yet I felt nothing but love and acceptance. Since then, I've made some wonderful
friends there, and although some in the Church find it difficult to understand me, not one has rejected
me.
Despite the many challenges we've coped with as a couple, I knew my wife couldn't cope with being
around me whilst I was going through transition, so when she told me she wanted a divorce at Christmas
2001, I wasn't at all surprised, though I was (and still am) extremely saddened.
Proceedings started in February 2002 and completed in Spring 2003. I don't feel I can discuss the
details here except to say that it's a very painful process and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I was
very relieved when it was finally over.
I started seeing NHS psychiatrists on a regular basis starting in November 2001. As they change
every 6 months, I'm saw three before I was discharged in early 2003. I was fortunate in that the first
two I saw were both female (and young), and I found them very easy to talk to. The third was male -
which I could cope with by then, but probably couldn't have handled at the outset.
Having accepted what I needed to do I arranged to have a patch test for laser hair removal in January
2002 at Christianos
Laser Clinic in London. I started treatment proper in March, and by August (after 5 treatments)
the results were starting to show. In July 2002 I started getting my chest and abdominal hair treated
too - this time at Hairaway (now Lasercare) in Shaftesbury Avenue, London.
Having heard nothing about a referral to Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic in London (but a lot
of discouraging things about their treatment regime and the waiting lists) I made an appointment to
see the (rather famous among the UK TS Community) consultant psychiatrist Dr. Russell Reid on 17th May 2002.
The appointment lasted for an hour or so and we talked about my experiences and feelings throughout
my life…I couldn't help feeling that he could tell a lot more about me than I realised from what I
was telling him! The surprise came at the end. I expected to have to come back for another appointment
in 3 months time before any treatment would be prescribed, but in fact he wrote me a prescription (for
Ovran and Oestrogel) there and then. I was stunned and flattered - I felt that another doorway (and
a beautiful one at that) had been opened for me.
After a lot more prayer I started treatment on Wednesday 29th May, and by mid August (when I ventured
out for the first time) I was developing very nicely indeed! I went back in early September for a follow-up
consultation, and to get a fresh supply of hormones.
I moved out of the family home in late October, and after staying with friends for 6 weeks or so,
finally found a new place to live (which was rather awkward as I was still only living part-time in
the female role then) in early December.
I finally transitioned on Christmas Day 2002 (so I've now got an extra reason to celebrate Christmas!)
and since then I've been living full-time as a female.
I felt like I'd found myself...it just felt right. After that, the only I ever appeared
"male" (which didn't fool anyone - I'd changed so much!) was when I was seeing my children.
Sadly, that contact ceased in May 2003, and I'm now applying for contact through the Courts - as myself.
I expect it to take some time.
I always had a feeling that when the time came to start talking to my Company and colleagues about what I was going through I would find support.
I talked to the Engineering Director of my company about what I was facing in January 2002. As I'd
expected, he was very supportive, and over the next few months I kept him informed as to what was happening,
as well as providing background literature. By early August I felt the time had come to inform the
colleagues I work with directly of my situation, and he arranged to brief the team on my behalf (on
the Friday before I went on holiday). The rest of the company (over 100 people in the UK alone) were
informed of my transition and the reasons behind it in late November 2002.
I'm pleased to say that it went very, very well, and I had a lot of supportive things said to me
afterwards! I went back to work as Anna on 6th January 2003 (after the Christmas break) and have been
fully accepted. Although it felt a little surreal at first, I'm now well and truly settled in, although
I do find working in a team where I'm the only female very difficult and upsetting at times. There
are times when I really do need to be able to talk about what I'm feeling, and guys just can't handle
it. That really hurts, and many times I've broken down and sat at my desk crying.
The next big step in my journey is now approaching completion. On 14th November 2003 I underwent
reassignment surgery with Dr.
Suporn at Aikchol Hospital, Chonburi, Thailand.
The results are everything I've ever dreamed of - both in terms of appearance and sensitivy.
He's done something truly amazing for me.
On 21st January 2004 I returned there for facial feminisation surgery, to
reverse some of the effects testosterone poisoning has had upon my facial appearance since puberty
and hopefully help me to gain the confidence to fully reintegrate back into society.
My immediate priorities right now are to recover from surgery, regain contact with my children,
get my finances sorted out (they're a mess at the moment) and rebuild my social life. It's a lot to
take on.
One thing that I have been heartened by is the response of old friends - they've accepted my transition
without any qualms, despite me being out of touch for years. I've met up with many of them,
and it's almost as if nothing has changed. I've also been contacted by several former school friends
and work colleagues - who've expressed the same acceptance and support. I'm truly grateful to them
all.
 Until I transitioned I can honestly
say that not one person truly knew me. I'm very glad to be able to say that that's no longer the case
- since I stopped trying to pretend to be someone I'm not I've not only become true to myself but found
it much, much easier to relate to other to people.
Although this experience has been desperately painful for everyone involved (even now I still feel
terrible about what all this has done to my family) I have no doubts whatsoever that I've done the
right thing. Had I tried to fight my dysphoria any longer, I have a strong feeling that sooner or later
I'd have fallen into depression and lost myself totally - or worse. I've stared suicide in the face
on more than one occasion and believe me it's not an experience I'd wish on anyone.
Acceptance of my true self had allowed me to be able to share who I am (and how I feel) with those
closest to me. In doing so, I've found that my Faith has strengthened, I've become much closer to those
around me and discovered so much about myself I'd subconsciously repressed while I was in denial.
I know I've become a better person for it - even though the journey is desperately painful
at times. If you have to walk the same road - or are trying to understand someone close to you who
is doing so - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
God Bless and good luck.
|
Surgery
